Yosemite Sam's cousin Bread-necker; that's me!!!

Global Settings. This will affect you!!!

2006-09-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

A new study:

Be careful of running too much water in sinks because baby sharks swim in the water mains and they will swim up the pipes and into your house and into your sink while you are filling your sink so that you can wash your dishes. Then the sharks will bite you and rip your flesh off and eat it and will breed baby sharks immediately (this phenomenon happens when baby sharks eat human flesh) and then you will have a school/flock/gaggle/brood/shoal/herd/pack/drove/covey/bevy/swarm of baby sharks diving out of the sink and into your hair (they are especially attracted to dark hair) and then you may die. And that would be bad (of course, you didn't need me to tell you this).

Please be careful. Your life is at steak. Stake. The world is at stake. At war. Well, not the whole world, just the middle east and a few other places. But be careful because there could be wars, and RUMORS of wars, everywhere. Especially in the garden where the fruits and vegetables fight. Except that I think fruits aren't in gardens, they are only on trees. Are potatos fruits? Because they are roots in the ground. No, they are vegetables. Specifically, they are starches, but that doesn't say what KIND of food they are. Just what kind of food it is when you eat it. Or something.

Summary:

Bathing in the sink = possible death by sharks = cheese barf = fruit steak = war starches

Your score: 100% = THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Geez.

...

POTATOS (or is it pototoes?)

2 things

2006-07-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

I love 2 things recently:

1- I have just gotten into The Office (US). I hated that show to begin with, but a weekend at Mike Bonner's house changed all that. I have seen every episode now, and i LOVE quoting it. More than i loved quoting Napoleon Dynamite.

2- This is a classic internet game. Play it; it's fun.

Pingu Throw

Classic...

2006-05-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

Stupidest Things Ever Said

2006-05-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

I think I posted some really funny quotes one time, but it was only a few. I had a little calendar for year 2005 and I have gone through the whole list and picked out my favorites. Enjoy.

On TV

TV newswoman (WTVD-TV, Durham, North Carolina): Residents appreciate the beauty of wooded West Durham, but waht they don't appreciate is a nude man who stops and stares. What should they do?
Policewoman: They should just run away from him. Basically, try to get whatever kind of description that he has--facial description, his height and body size--anything that sticks out abnormally.

[The presidential race is] as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.
[George W. Bush] will be madder than a rained-on rooster...
[While Al Gore's] back's against the wall, his shirttail's on fire and the bill collector's at the door.
If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun.
-various comments by anchorman Dan Rather on election night, 2001.

British game show host Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian province?
Contestant: America, Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

'Weakest Link' host Anne Robinson: Aristotle identified four elements. Which of these was denoted by the Greek prefix "pyro"?
Contestant: Louis Armstrong

"That's just about it from Keno Pool. Back to you, Vince and Cathy. Uh, don't mind me, I'm going to take a dump--dip--right in it."
-TV newsman for KPNX-TV in Phoenix, Arizona, speaking from poolside.

"It is really wonderful to come home from two weeks on location and hear three feet running to greet you as you open the front door."
-actor Dustin Hoffman, in an interview for A&E's Biography

'Family Fortune' host Les Dennis: Name a bird that can also be a man's name.
Contestant: Chicken

Howard Stern: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie Cialini (1995 Playmate of the Year): The equator
Stacy Sanches (1996 Playmate of the Year): The moon.

From Actual Courtroom Transcripts

Q: What is the relationship?
A: She's my aunt.
Q: Who's brother or sister to whom here?
A: My mother is his brother is--is her--my mother is--what is it? By marriage, I guess you would say. My mother is her brother--is his brother by marriage, so she's just an aunt.

Lawyer: Could you briefly describe the type of construction equipment used in your business.
Witness: Four tractors.
Lawyer: What kind of tractors are they?
Witness: Fords.
Lawyer: You didn't say "four", you just said "Ford"?
Witness: Yes, Ford. That is what you asked me, what kind of tractors.
Lawyer: Are there four Ford tractors? Is that what there is?
Witness: No, no. You asked me what kind of tractor it was and I said Ford tractors.
Lawyer: How many tractors are there?
Witness: Four.

Q: How many trucks do you own?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventy?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventeen?
A: No, about twelve.

Labels/Instructions for products

Gives you strong mouth and refreshing wind!
-claim on a Japanese toothbrush box

NORMAL TIME SETTING
Hold B about 3 seconds then push B once or push B once by once. (Day of week flag above Tuesday flashing)
Select flashing digits(s) to be set by push C or A
Advance figure by pushing A or C
Select 12/24 hour cycle option in normal time
Hold A then push B or when time (hour) setting. 12/24 hour cycle option will appear alternately on every 24 hour cycle during hour advance Month and date interchange by holding C then push A or cannot be changed.
-from the instruction manual for a watch made in China

DO NOT USE ORALLY AFTER USING RECTALLY
-from electric thermometer instructions

Published articles (magazines, news)

8:30: I love Christmas. A treat for nostalgia lovers, a reminder of the golden days of Christmas when it always snowed, the pantomime was funny and the Christmas No. 1 was worth waiting for. featuring clips from such film classics as 'The Snowman' and 'Chitty Chitty Gang Bang'.
-TV Listing in the Sutton Coldfield Observer (UK)

[Publisher Michael] O'Mara said there was a "strong personal chemistry" between the former White House intern and Morton. "We put the two of them together in a New York hotel room last week, and she said yes immediately."
-from an AP story, White House intern Monica Lewinsky's decision to use biographer Andrew Morton as her ghostwriter

'Sport Focus' apologizes for getting its wires crossed last week, and would like to make the following correction to Quote of the Week:
"Saddam Hussein is not the England Cricket Captain--he is Captain of Iraq. We meant to say "Nasser Hussein."

COMPLETE HOME FOR SALE: Two double, one single bed, dining room 3 piece suite, television, carpets, lion etc.
-Classified ad in the Portsmouth News
However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes.
-from a New Zealand newspaper

Correction: Last week's column mistakenly misidentified a source. The European Commission president is Romano Prodi, not Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
-correction notice in the Prague Post

Miscellaneous

Items included on actual resumes, as collected by 'Fortune' magazine:
-Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
-Failed a bar exam with relatively high grades.
-Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
-My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I posses no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

To craunch a marmoset.
Do you cut the hairs?
The stone as roll not heap up not foam.
Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss.
Excuplate me by your brother's.
She make the prude.
-from 'The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English' written by Pedro Carolino in 1883.

On Politicians

I have the honor to give the President of the U.S.A.--uh--an instrument of sex.
-a foreign dignitary, upon presenting a saxaphone to President Bill Clinton

They use their color blind the way duck hunters use their duck blind! They hide behind the phrase and just hope that we, like the ducks, won't be able to see through it. We see through your color blind! 'Amazing Grace' also saved me! Was color blind but now I see! The Gospel of Luke tells us of Jesus's reaction to people who willfully refused to see the evidence before their eyes...Ye hypocrites!
-Vice President Al Gore

And NOTHING would be complete without a partial list of George Dubya Bush oddities

If I had 90-90 hindsite...

There has been a lot of speculation, and I believe there will continue to be a lot of speculation until the speculation ends.

And so, in my State of the--my State of the Union--or State--my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation--I asked Americans to give 4,000 years--4,000 hours over the next--the rest of your life--of service to America.
-on his community service initiative.

I hope we get to the bottom of the answer.

Actually I--this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about --when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.
-during an appearance on MSNBC's Hardball

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
-speaking in La Crosse, Wisconsin

Osama Bin Laden would never understand the joys of Hanukkah.
-in a speech at a White House menorah-lighting ceremony

Put the "off" button on.
-telling parents who are concerned about profanity on television just how to take care of it.

It's about time.

2006-04-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

America FINALLY started braining. He's gone, folks. You in Rockingham can put away your rotary phones (no offense to Mr. Chavis).

I'm so mad at America right now.

2006-03-22T18:48:00.000-08:00

Who the freaking crap is voting for Bucky? I mean, Kevin isn't the best singer in the world, but he is a heckuva lot better than Chucky, er, Bucky. When he sings, Bucky sounds like a CD that is playing sounds of a car that won't start, and the CD is skipping.

He is NEVER on key, he can't dance, he can't dress, and his hair is reminiscent of a broom made of rotten spaghetti. Kevin has a pretty darn good voice even though he has the slight lisp.

Anyway...If I ever meet someone who voted for Woody, I mean, BUCKY, I'm going to hang you by your toenails and poor hot butter down your pant legs, and get a dozen tree sloths to play throw-the-feces at your face.

Oh by the way, I'm talking about American Idol...FYI. I love that show even though America is stupid sometimes.

Nohari something something, shut up.

2006-03-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

I've joined the band. Ruin me.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Pook+to+the+C

From my fingers to your eyes...

2006-03-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

"A Story"

Three hours before Biff had found the stone tablet in his left pocket, he knew that Orin would be after him. She had eyes like a minx, and she moved swiftly through the Green Garrison. Within seconds, he grabbed a stale bread bun and tossed it toward the salad bar. "Darn!" he thought as he realized Turtleneck Goblin had dodged his breaded flails. Just then, Orin shot a felt laser cloud at his feet and shattered his eighth toe.

Midnight had come. The skies were black. Orin was nowhere to be found, and her anti-alias as the T-Neck Goblin had come to an end. Biff fondled the blackness that covered his eyes and found his eyelids to be replaced by soft drink tabs (you know, the things that you use to open a 7-up). One word. Pain. Two more words. Lots pain. For some reason, Goblin had shaved his legs and removed all but his eighth toe, making him a one-toed wonder, or if you must, a one toed dwarf. YES. He was a dwarf. Five claps for dwarves! If you have never seen a one-toed dwarf, then the milk in your breeches MUST have spoiled.

The End.

PLZ READ

2006-01-09T15:48:00.000-08:00

DEAREST FRIEND,
IT IS MY DEEPEST AND SINCEREST HOPE THAT THIS LETTER FINDS YOU IN THE UTMOST HEALTH, AND I APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY IN ADVANCE FOR THE UNUSUAL AND NO DOUBT UNEXPECTED ARRIVAL OF THIS COMMUNIQUE.

MY NAME IS STEVEN FRANK, THE SON OF NGITU FRANK, FORMER FINANCE MINISTER OF THE INDEPENDENT REPUBLIC OF BHUTRUNI. AS YOU HAVE ALMOST CERTAINLY READ IN THE INTERNATIONAL NEWSPAPERS AND TELEVISION MEDIA, MY FATHER NGITU WAS KILLED IN A BRUTAL COUP STAGED BY THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT, WHICH HAS SINCE PLUNGED OUR COUNTRY INTO TURMOIL.

AS NGITU'S ONLY SURVIVING SON, THE SOMEWHAT UNUSUAL LAWS OF OUR COUNTRY STATE THAT I AM TO RECEIVE THE BALANCE OF THE FORMER GOVERNMENT'S BANK ACCOUNT, A SUM TOTALING $52 MILLION OF YOUR UNITED STATES AMERICAN DOLLARS.

HOWEVER, THE RISK OF BEING CAPTURED BY THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT MAKES IT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CLAIM MY INHERITANCE. I DARE NOT SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC FOR FEAR OF BEING CAPTURED AND EXECUTED IN A MANNER MOST EGREGIOUS, SUCH AS BY A SHARP KNIFE, OR HAIL OF BULLETS.

CURRENTLY, I AM SURVIVING ONLY BY MAKING WHIMSICAL CARTOONS ABOUT SPAM EMAILS AND POSTING THEM ON THE INTERNET, ONLY TO BE SASSED ON WEB FORUMS BY FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO. FRIEND, IT IS A MEAGER EXISTENCE AT BEST, AND I WOULD NOT WISH IT ON A JACKAL'S FLEAS.

HOWEVER YOU, ANONYMOUS INTERNET FRIEND, MAY BE THE KEY TO MY SALVATION. THROUGH A STRANGE AND UNUSUAL LOOPHOLE IN INTERNATIONAL FISCAL LAW, THAT IS FAR TOO COMPLEX TO EXPLAIN TO YOU AT THIS TIME, I MAY BE ABLE TO CLAIM THE FORTUNE THAT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT. BUT I CAN ONLY ACCOMPLISH THIS WITH YOUR ASSISTANCE.

BY TRANSFERRING ME A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY VIA THE "PAYPAL" SERVICE, I WILL IN TURN BE ABLE TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE SUM OF $52 MILLION TO YOU, RIGHT BEHIND THE EYES OF THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT. YOU WILL THEN BE ABLE TO TRANSFER THE BALANCE BACK TO ME AND I WILL NO LONGER NEED TO LIVE IN PAINFUL EXILE. IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO KEEP 10% OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT ($5.2 MILLION US AMERICAN DOLLARS).

I REALIZE IT IS NOT MUCH, AND WITH YOUR POWERFUL AMERICAN ECONOMY, YOU PROBABLY EARN MORE THAN THAT IN AN HOUR, BUT IT IS THE LEAST I CAN DO TO EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE.

ALSO, DID I MENTION THAT MY GRANDMOTHER HAS CANCER OF THE ESOPHAGUS, WHICH IS A BRUTAL, UNFORGIVING DISEASE, ESPECIALLY IN THE ESOPHAGEAL FORM. I MEAN, HONESTLY, CAN YOU THINK OF A WORSE PLACE TO GET CANCER THAN IN THE ESOPHAGUS? I KNOW I CAN'T. OF COURSE WE CANNOT AFFORD THE TREATMENT UNTIL THE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE, YOU KNOW? LIFE SURE HAS TAKEN A BIG OLD DUMP ON ME LATELY, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT.

EVEN THOUGH WE'VE NEVER MET, AND I DON'T ACTUALLY EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME, I'M CONVINCED THAT YOU CAN BE TRUSTED TO HANDLE THIS DELICATE ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UTMOST TRUST, CONFIDENTIALITY, AND DECORUM. YOU ARE ALSO FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE AND PERHAPS SOME TIME, WHEN ALL THIS IS BEHIND US, WE COULD GRAB A COFFEE AND JUST GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BETTER.

BUT, FIRST THINGS FIRST, THE SMALL PAYPAL DONATION IS THE CRITICAL FIRST STEP. I WILL TRANSFER THE FULL $52 MILLION IMMEDIATELY UPON RECEIPT. NO, SERIOUSLY. THE ONLY POSSIBLE WAY YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE $5.2 MILLION GUARANTEED US AMERICAN DOLLARS IS IF SOMETHING, SOMEHOW GOES WRONG WITH THE TRANSACTION. BUT THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING ARE ASTRONOMICAL!

NOW I MUST AWAY, FOR IT IS NIGHTFALL AND SOON THE BHUTRUNI LIBERATION FRONT WILL BE PATROLLING. GODSPEED TO YOU AND MAY BLESSINGS RAIN DOWN UPON YOU AND YOUR FAMILY LIKE GOLDEN PIGEON DROPPINGS FROM HEAVEN.

YOUR FRIEND AND CONFIDANT,

S. FRANK
INDEPENDENT REPUBLIC OF BHUTRUNI

England Has Castles, Apparently

2005-12-09T05:52:00.000-08:00

I found a pretty funny site. It was a link off of an MSN messenger window when I was talking to my 'baby'. :) (I have to mention her at least ONCE in every blog post...let's see how long I can do that).

It's this guy with a guitar that sings these funny little 'ditties' about random stuff. Like, 'stop using acronymns' or 'think! before marking your emails high-priority'. Office humor; good stuff.

Dell Inc. liked his songs enough that they are now sponsoring his site and have a little flash MP3 player that is named after him; DJ Ditty.

Anyway, check it out!

Her name is Rose Sabbah.

2005-12-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

She is 24 and lives in Israel. She is a registered nurse in Nazareth. I've known her for about a month and I have to say one thing:

I absolutely love her.

Everything about her. It gets a little complicated, but I will say this - God has been preparing us for each other our entire lives. We mesh together so perfectly it's scary, funny, and a blessing all at once.

For those of you who don't know, I met her through my roommate. He is marrying her sister eventually. Her name is Muna, and she attends Lee University in TN. You can read about her on Barrett's blog.

Just on the surface, Rose is the most beautiful girl I *haven't* met (once I meet her, I will be able to modify that statement). Besides that, she laughs at my jokes, and she makes me laugh. She has a terrific accent :) and she's teaching me Arabic (see the last post's title). Oh yeah, and she's an Arab Christian. When she speaks about God and spiritual things, I listen. And I admire her. Admiration, adoration, approbation, adulation. All of the above. I can't wait to see her; well, I have to wait, and I'm struggling with the patience thing. But she's worth every day I wait; and she's worth the 27 years I've had to wait.

I'm going to see my love in March, and she's visiting the states in February. This girl...she's -amazing- (with Barrett's accentuation). When I talk to her, I feel like I've know her for years. She is my wife but we haven't been married.

I'm sure some of you are worried that I'm rushing into something like this so fast. We've seen it all, if you are a fellow EC-Alum. And I have to say, I'm one of the more critical and skeptical people I know. I question everything; I've questioned this. But I don't believe in coincidence - I can't. It is not coincidence that God lead us to each other. Anyway, I'll get off of that.

Here are some pictures of her (no that is not her daughter, it's her niece (I think)). Yes, I know what you are thinking - I am a lucky bird. And no, I don't deserve her. :)

Her parents and sisters are pictured with her. Doesn't she have the most beautiful smile?

Hayate, habebte, bahebek.

2005-11-30T07:09:00.000-08:00

More later... :)

Dedicated to the honor of Janelle Winters

2005-11-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

Preface with "This post is". Here is her blog: So that's that.

I sometimes like surfing the internet. Anyone else do that? There is a site I like to take tests on called OKCupid. It's actually an online dating service, if you haven't heard of it. And no, it hasn't worked yet for me if you are wondering. But I did take an interesting Political Quiz for the fourth time today. When I first took it, I was Republican. The second and third times I was a Centrist. This time, it says I am a Strong Democrat. Wow. I can't believe it. I have wandered into a foreign land where up is down and left is right! I'm just kidding. But, I answered the questions as best I could, and that's how I came out. Oh well. So here are the results:

Right on top of Hillary Clinton. Now I'm really scared (and crying inside). Apparently I should have voted Kerry last election, though I couldn't with a clear conscience. If I had known what I know now I would have probably not voted...or I would have voted for Nader. I won't get onto that; I don't want to spark a political debate on my blog, but I do want you to take the test and tell us what your results were (so we can further judge you).

My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIID...KID ROCK!

2005-10-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

Bawtiba baw da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy seth the monkey the hopped up the hunkey honkey.

Something like that. So I saw Kid Rock, I mean U2 last weekend. I thought about setting up a photo blog to show off the pics. In the meantime, Barrett is going to post some pictures at some point. You should check them out there.

Here is a rundown:

-6.5 hour drive to East Brunswick, NJ (we got 'misdirected' in Maryland -darn you Hwy 50!)
-Hold'em with my relatives there; my uncle won (Barrett was out first)
-On the morrow, waited in line from 10:30am - 6:15pm at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia PA (forgot to bring food - sustained on Slim Jims, Lays Chips and Snack Cakes)
-Stood on floor in auditorium waiting for U2 to play from 6:15pm - 9:15pm (during which Julian Marley played - ugh, mostly suck)
-Screamed and writhed in ear-pain (forgot my earplugs) from 9:15pm - 11:15pm in the best concert of my life
-tried to nap some and drive some from PA to VA from 11:30pm - 5:30am

Overall, it was an excellent trip. Next time, I would bring a grill and some real food. Also some earplugs. And maybe a woman. :D

"I wish I had a teddy bear sized version of you"

2005-10-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

I, Jonathan Wheeler, in sound mind and thought, and having all the capacities and sanities of the average man; would hereby like to request a miniature version of [insert girl of the moment's name here], having all similarities thereof, but scaled down forthwith, and in the likeness of a furry bear, small and cute; to obtain for the sole purposes of, and limited to, squeezing as it relates to the loving action of hugging.

Lyrics I didn't write.

2005-10-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

I thought about what you said, and i'm not sorry for a thing.
You do not understand this or what it means to me.
[You] cannot discard this as emotion; this is more than another passing stage.
You'll have to prove it's just opinion...in defense of everything THIS is my everything...
Could it be that you have stumbled? Tripped and fallen over something more than faith?

Could you prove yourself? This is a matter of life and death!
Would you step up to the line? But please don't just talk this time!
I want what you ask of me...I want what you ask of me this time.
Step up to the line - Action begs reaction!

What is left to be said? Anything less has all been done before.
To put to rest what you've been wondering...if you could take my life, would you still ask for more?

I though about what you said; something occurred to me.
You wouldn't ask me to turn my back on anything if you believed that I believe.
Truth is I would love to show you...take faith and works to another higher stage.
So there is little time for words you've heard; life and death are only steps, I'm not afraid of what comes next!
What is enough in your opinion? Perhaps my death would bring some substance to my claims!

Could you prove yourself? This is a matter of life and death!
Would you step up to the line? But please don't just talk this time!
I want what you ask of me...I want what you ask of me this time.
Step up to the line - Action begs reaction!

What is left to be said? Anything less has all been done before.
To put to rest what you've been wondering...if you could take my life, would you still ask for more?

Vanity of vanities, this life, love, art and sex...
Each breath you breathe is grasping at the wind!

He is my everything

We cannot both be right about right and wrong, and God and man...right and wrong and God and man!

I want what you ask of me...I want what you ask of me this time.
Please step up to the line!
He's my everything; action begs reaction!

What is left to be said? Anything less has all been done before.
So put to rest your wondering!
If you could take my life, you'd still ask for more.

"Colt .45" - Stavesacre - Absolutes

It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.

2005-09-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Hit it.

-The Blues Brothers

Enough about me...

2005-09-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

I have but one regret...

2005-09-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

I try not to post anything *too* personal on my blog anymore. I did for awhile, but I was going through some hard times so it just made sense.

Anyway, I'll give you forewarning. This post will not be quirky like most of my posts are (as I like to THINK they are). It's a little personal, and it tells the story (not long, and maybe a little boring) of one of my only regrets. I have a few I'm sure, but this is the only one I can think of.

His name was Shannon Huggard. Very talented; a good musician (and sound engineer, I have heard). I was 17 at the time, and had just picked up bass guitar the year before. I had played with my brother and good friend Matt Strapko in a band called "Plea" my sophomore year. The next year, we decided to go with the moniker "Billy Rubin" (we pronounced it "billarubin") after a chemical in the body that...well, I'll let you look it up. Anyway, I played bass, Matt on guitar, another guy on guitar, a drummer, and Shannon who sang. Well, I didn't think he could sing all that well, but he was a performer. Plus, all the girls thought he was hot.

So we played a lot of shows; we were the token high school band. I think we were the ONLY one at that time. I was actually in the first band I had heard of made up solely of high-schoolers. Fun times.

I wasn't trying really hard to be a Christian at the time, but it didn't matter - everyone knew my father was one of the local pastors and they all expected me to either be the "goody-two-shoe" or the black sheep. I was neither. I was confused, and spent most of my time trying to make people like me and wondering why they never did. Maybe some did, I don't know. The band did I think, and that made me happy. Sort of.

Let me get to my regret. At some point during my senior year, we had a "revival" at our church. We started casting away all of our secular CD's, cigarettes, swearing, etc. [Aside -> I don't have a problem with this at all. When you are young, you take extremes anyway. Everything is drama and a big deal. Why should it not be when you have a 'revival'?] The revival wasn't the regret, it was how I handled my relationship with Shannon. Shannon wasn't a Christian, and my renewed faith wasn't a delight for him at all, I think. Instead of being tactful and responsible (as I LIKE to think I am now), I let my Christian friends convince me that I should drive over to his house THAT NIGHT, and retrieve my bass amp (which I left at his house for practices) and quit the band. Ugh.

So I did. I waltzed in, grabbed my gear, and announced that I was quitting the band because I am a Christian and we are not a Christian band (or something, I don't remember). He looked at me and said something to the effect of, "You brought your little Christian friends over here to tell me you are quitting and are leaving just like that?!" He looked very disappointed; as I'm sure I would be in the same situation. Anyway, we left on a bad note, and our relationship ended with anger, frustration, and confusion.

I never saw him again. The last I heard he was the sound engineer for a band in Orlando, Florida, doing pretty well for himself. Then, in April 2002, he overdosed on steroids and died. Just like that. My regret is that I never apologized to him for what happened. I hope to God that maybe down the line he had some other Christian influence in his life that wasn't so immature and raw as mine. Some would say, "Well if he overdosed on steroids he wasn't a Christian, was he?" Well, I have come a long way and I now know that that is the last thing you assume about someone. I don't know if he died a Christian or not, I obviously hope he did. Regardless, I will always regret not handling that situation differently. And that's that.

Acquiesce

2005-09-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

Even now your eyes are courting sleep
i'll stay by your side as i have always been
sleep tonight, may your dreams reveal my love for you,
beyond what i must do, do you know my plans for you?

To separate myself from where my treasure lies
then naked in this cold and lonely unforgiving life.
Be stripped away of all delusions of the man i'd like to be.
At the moment I am broken parts sure of only weaknesses with nothing left to show
no illusions left to hide behind.

Burning clean has been both agony and absolute release,
can i hope to pass this test, is my destiny the wilderness?

The hardest part of letting go, is trusting you with everything
in laying bare my soul is truly seeing who I really am...
Father what is man that You are mindful of him?

To stand alone, against a life of wretchedness,
impossible to hope and so i plead
Your graciousness.
Show me your glory, may my life reflect your presence
and never again find myself in anything less.

The hardest part of letting go, is trusting you with everything
in laying bare my soul is truly seeing who I really am...
Father what is man that You are mindful of him?

Scientific Breakthrough!

2005-08-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

Don't Ignore This Notice!

2005-08-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

Ode to the Vomit Bag

2005-08-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

So I found something interesting. This is actually the work of Ian Cole, but since I ended up with it I'm going to share it with you.

We went to the United Kingdom in the summer of 2003 for a missions trip with the EC Singers Praise Band and some high school kids. Fun times. On the way back (or forward, I don't remember), Ian wrote a little monologue on the back of one of the vomit bags on the plane. Here is what he wrote:

This is a vomit bag. It is a bag specifically designed to recieve one vomit quantitiy. While it is a theoretical possibility that this ralph recepticle could hold two or even three vomit quanitities, multiple use is not recommended. Please dispose of after one use. It's not some kind of corporate ploy to get more money from you. It really is in your best interest to dispose of this bag after one use. Look...we tried researching various multiple use products but we kept running into the same problem: After one use the bag has vomit in it. You can't just leave it in the bag. As it begins to decompose the smell can be quite overwhelming. But you can't just pour it out. It's impossible to remove it all because of the porous nature of paper. Honestly we've explored all of the options. Just puke in the freaking bag and throw it away. Is that so much to ask? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT? IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME ANGRY AND HATE MY JOB!

...um...excuse me...

Please enjoy your specially designed ONE USE vomit bag provided by BMI. If you have any questions, please call customer service.

That reminds me of a couple of sneeze stories that I will have to tell later (when I'm not so tired and arthritic).

Go with what works.

2005-08-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to do one of those 'vs. fights' things that Jason Crowgey does oh so well. But I can't. I can't think of anything funny. The best I had was 'Garfield vs. Odie' or 'a Kaleidoscope vs. a Klondike Bar'. So I will do what I do best (I think). Random words that lead to other random words off the top of my head. And maybe a story about them.

Crawl. Pauly Shore. Biodome. Biosphere. Ozone layer. Bozo. Clowns. Circus. Elephants. Big dung. Dung Beetles. Biology. Dr. Lester. Creationism. Evolution. Darwin. Derwin. Salvation Army. Ringing Bells. Money. Green. Booger. Nasty. Sniff. Choke. Blurry. Passed out. Floor. Ceiling. Crawlspace. Black hole. Moon. Faked landing. LAUGHTER. Hunger. Burger. Cheese. Milk. Cow. Coltrane. Roscoe Pecoe(sp.) Train. Hogwarts Express. 9 and 3/4. Witches Brew. Homestar Runner. Strong Sad. I'm sad that I'm flying. TROGDOR! Burninating. FIRE.

And that's that.

I'll do a random and pointless story later. I have work (at work) to do.

I'm a follower, not a leader.

2005-08-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to (ONCE AGAIN) change the address of my blog. This is it. Welcome.

--BTW, "follower" is in reference to Jason Crowgey, whose moves I imitate more than Jacko does someone scary.

Or something.

...

Hehwoah!

New post.

2005-06-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

New text.