Global Settings. This will affect you!!!

A new study:

Be careful of running too much water in sinks because baby sharks swim in the water mains and they will swim up the pipes and into your house and into your sink while you are filling your sink so that you can wash your dishes. Then the sharks will bite you and rip your flesh off and eat it and will breed baby sharks immediately (this phenomenon happens when baby sharks eat human flesh) and then you will have a school/flock/gaggle/brood/shoal/herd/pack/drove/covey/bevy/swarm of baby sharks diving out of the sink and into your hair (they are especially attracted to dark hair) and then you may die. And that would be bad (of course, you didn't need me to tell you this).

Please be careful. Your life is at steak. Stake. The world is at stake. At war. Well, not the whole world, just the middle east and a few other places. But be careful because there could be wars, and RUMORS of wars, everywhere. Especially in the garden where the fruits and vegetables fight. Except that I think fruits aren't in gardens, they are only on trees. Are potatos fruits? Because they are roots in the ground. No, they are vegetables. Specifically, they are starches, but that doesn't say what KIND of food they are. Just what kind of food it is when you eat it. Or something.

Summary:

Bathing in the sink = possible death by sharks = cheese barf = fruit steak = war starches

Your score: 100% = THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Geez.

...

POTATOS (or is it pototoes?)

2 things

I love 2 things recently:

1- I have just gotten into The Office (US). I hated that show to begin with, but a weekend at Mike Bonner's house changed all that. I have seen every episode now, and i LOVE quoting it. More than i loved quoting Napoleon Dynamite.

2- This is a classic internet game. Play it; it's fun.

Pingu Throw

Classic...

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."


Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."


I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."

Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

Stupidest Things Ever Said

I think I posted some really funny quotes one time, but it was only a few. I had a little calendar for year 2005 and I have gone through the whole list and picked out my favorites. Enjoy.


On TV

TV newswoman (WTVD-TV, Durham, North Carolina): Residents appreciate the beauty of wooded West Durham, but waht they don't appreciate is a nude man who stops and stares. What should they do?
Policewoman: They should just run away from him. Basically, try to get whatever kind of description that he has--facial description, his height and body size--anything that sticks out abnormally.

[The presidential race is] as hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.
[George W. Bush] will be madder than a rained-on rooster...
[While Al Gore's] back's against the wall, his shirttail's on fire and the bill collector's at the door.
If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a handgun.
-various comments by anchorman Dan Rather on election night, 2001.

British game show host Steve Penk: What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian province?
Contestant: America, Portugal? Canada? Mexico? Italy? Spain?

'Weakest Link' host Anne Robinson: Aristotle identified four elements. Which of these was denoted by the Greek prefix "pyro"?
Contestant: Louis Armstrong

"That's just about it from Keno Pool. Back to you, Vince and Cathy. Uh, don't mind me, I'm going to take a dump--dip--right in it."
-TV newsman for KPNX-TV in Phoenix, Arizona, speaking from poolside.

"It is really wonderful to come home from two weeks on location and hear three feet running to greet you as you open the front door."
-actor Dustin Hoffman, in an interview for A&E's Biography

'Family Fortune' host Les Dennis: Name a bird that can also be a man's name.
Contestant: Chicken

Howard Stern: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie Cialini (1995 Playmate of the Year): The equator
Stacy Sanches (1996 Playmate of the Year): The moon.


From Actual Courtroom Transcripts

Q: What is the relationship?
A: She's my aunt.
Q: Who's brother or sister to whom here?
A: My mother is his brother is--is her--my mother is--what is it? By marriage, I guess you would say. My mother is her brother--is his brother by marriage, so she's just an aunt.

Lawyer: Could you briefly describe the type of construction equipment used in your business.
Witness: Four tractors.
Lawyer: What kind of tractors are they?
Witness: Fords.
Lawyer: You didn't say "four", you just said "Ford"?
Witness: Yes, Ford. That is what you asked me, what kind of tractors.
Lawyer: Are there four Ford tractors? Is that what there is?
Witness: No, no. You asked me what kind of tractor it was and I said Ford tractors.
Lawyer: How many tractors are there?
Witness: Four.

Q: How many trucks do you own?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventy?
A: Seventeen.
Q: Seventeen?
A: No, about twelve.


Labels/Instructions for products

Gives you strong mouth and refreshing wind!
-claim on a Japanese toothbrush box

NORMAL TIME SETTING
Hold B about 3 seconds then push B once or push B once by once. (Day of week flag above Tuesday flashing)
Select flashing digits(s) to be set by push C or A
Advance figure by pushing A or C
Select 12/24 hour cycle option in normal time
Hold A then push B or when time (hour) setting. 12/24 hour cycle option will appear alternately on every 24 hour cycle during hour advance Month and date interchange by holding C then push A or cannot be changed.
-from the instruction manual for a watch made in China

DO NOT USE ORALLY AFTER USING RECTALLY
-from electric thermometer instructions


Published articles (magazines, news)

8:30: I love Christmas. A treat for nostalgia lovers, a reminder of the golden days of Christmas when it always snowed, the pantomime was funny and the Christmas No. 1 was worth waiting for. featuring clips from such film classics as 'The Snowman' and 'Chitty Chitty Gang Bang'.
-TV Listing in the Sutton Coldfield Observer (UK)

[Publisher Michael] O'Mara said there was a "strong personal chemistry" between the former White House intern and Morton. "We put the two of them together in a New York hotel room last week, and she said yes immediately."
-from an AP story, White House intern Monica Lewinsky's decision to use biographer Andrew Morton as her ghostwriter

'Sport Focus' apologizes for getting its wires crossed last week, and would like to make the following correction to Quote of the Week:
"Saddam Hussein is not the England Cricket Captain--he is Captain of Iraq. We meant to say "Nasser Hussein."

COMPLETE HOME FOR SALE: Two double, one single bed, dining room 3 piece suite, television, carpets, lion etc.
-Classified ad in the Portsmouth News
However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes.
-from a New Zealand newspaper

Correction: Last week's column mistakenly misidentified a source. The European Commission president is Romano Prodi, not Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
-correction notice in the Prague Post

Miscellaneous

Items included on actual resumes, as collected by 'Fortune' magazine:
-Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
-Failed a bar exam with relatively high grades.
-Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
-My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I posses no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

To craunch a marmoset.
Do you cut the hairs?
The stone as roll not heap up not foam.
Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss.
Excuplate me by your brother's.
She make the prude.
-from 'The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English' written by Pedro Carolino in 1883.

On Politicians

I have the honor to give the President of the U.S.A.--uh--an instrument of sex.
-a foreign dignitary, upon presenting a saxaphone to President Bill Clinton

They use their color blind the way duck hunters use their duck blind! They hide behind the phrase and just hope that we, like the ducks, won't be able to see through it. We see through your color blind! 'Amazing Grace' also saved me! Was color blind but now I see! The Gospel of Luke tells us of Jesus's reaction to people who willfully refused to see the evidence before their eyes...Ye hypocrites!
-Vice President Al Gore


And NOTHING would be complete without a partial list of George Dubya Bush oddities

If I had 90-90 hindsite...

There has been a lot of speculation, and I believe there will continue to be a lot of speculation until the speculation ends.

And so, in my State of the--my State of the Union--or State--my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation--I asked Americans to give 4,000 years--4,000 hours over the next--the rest of your life--of service to America.
-on his community service initiative.

I hope we get to the bottom of the answer.

Actually I--this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about --when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.
-during an appearance on MSNBC's Hardball

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
-speaking in La Crosse, Wisconsin

Osama Bin Laden would never understand the joys of Hanukkah.
-in a speech at a White House menorah-lighting ceremony

Put the "off" button on.
-telling parents who are concerned about profanity on television just how to take care of it.

It's about time.

America FINALLY started braining. He's gone, folks. You in Rockingham can put away your rotary phones (no offense to Mr. Chavis).

I'm so mad at America right now.

Who the freaking crap is voting for Bucky? I mean, Kevin isn't the best singer in the world, but he is a heckuva lot better than Chucky, er, Bucky. When he sings, Bucky sounds like a CD that is playing sounds of a car that won't start, and the CD is skipping.

He is NEVER on key, he can't dance, he can't dress, and his hair is reminiscent of a broom made of rotten spaghetti. Kevin has a pretty darn good voice even though he has the slight lisp.

Anyway...If I ever meet someone who voted for Woody, I mean, BUCKY, I'm going to hang you by your toenails and poor hot butter down your pant legs, and get a dozen tree sloths to play throw-the-feces at your face.

Oh by the way, I'm talking about American Idol...FYI. I love that show even though America is stupid sometimes.

Nohari something something, shut up.

I've joined the band. Ruin me.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Pook+to+the+C